Aw, my first stalker!

It's official. The aforementioned Crazy is stalking me.
He's rambled into the shop three days in a row now.
I told Doc about the first visit, and sure enough, Doc knows the guy. Well, knows of him anyway. I guess the Crazy used to stalk Doc's girlfriends' daughter Tina, who lives down the street from Crazy. (Yeah, Crazy's dad used to apparently run Key West, so Crazy has a bigass inheritance. That's fair.)
Anywho, fortunately Doc was in the shop when Crazy came in yesterday. I was at the computer in the office, and when Crazy came in, Doc jumped up and blocked the doorway so Crazy couldn't get at me. It was kinda cute, lol. Then Doc and i started talking about something or other, pointedly ignoring Crazy until it went away. I heard Doc on the phone with his girlfriend, telling her about all this, and he said "Remember how this guy was fixated on Tina? Well, i think Jesse's his new fixation." Lucky, lucky me.
And, as i suspected, Crazy just came in again today. As i'm by myself in here, i pulled out my cell phone and dialed the shop number, so i could answer the phone and pretend to be busy, as that seems to be the easiest way to make Crazy go away. After it left, I called Doc and informed him of the sighting, and he agrees that something needs to be done about this.
So yeah, lovely day so far. Also, my eyes seem to be angry at me, as they refuse to stay focused if i look at anything for more than two seconds. (My mad typing skills are allowing me to type this whilst i'm periodically staring at different things around the room.) Silly eyes. Maybe i need to change my contacts or something.
Anywho. Today is the first day of our new teetotaling, money-saving lifestyle, in efforts to get healthier and save up towards getting the hell out of Key West. Whee!
(Arrrrg stupid eyes!!!!)
Oh one of my other demented fans strolled by the shop yesterday. This one isn't too bad- he's just kinda odd and talks about weird random metaphysical stuff at me while i'm trying to work. Fortunately, Doc was standing there and i was actually helping a real customer, so the guy just kinda waved at me thru the door, then kept looking up in the sky and giving me a thumbs up. Sarah was outside smoking, and apparently this dude told her it was very important that she give me the following message: "Never give up hope. They're coming around from the west!" Who are? Is he referring to a new gang of escapees from the mental asylum, coming to whisk me away to LoonyLand? Goody.
Only in Key West do they allow nut jobs to roam the streets. Nut jobs with lots of money, i should add.
Well i'd best go. If "They" are indeed coming around from the West, i should probably start knitting some straightjackets.
Lucky, lucky me.

crazy, like misery, seems to love company

Why oh why do the crazy ones seek me out?

They always find me. And talk to me. Or talk at me. Whichever.

And i'm too polite to tell them "I don't speak crazy. Move along and continue your search for leprechauns elsewhere."

Case in point:

A few days ago, a message of sorts was left on the shop voicemail. It consisted of some muttering, mumbling, various noises, and a random fully-formed word thrown in here and there. Needless to say, I did not return this call.

Then yesterday, whilst i was quietly sitting here doing absolutely nothing (Sunday is a quiet day in the shop) i hear the door go "ding dong" and before i can stand up to check who it is, someone lurches into the store and makes his way into the office. I stand up to block further entry into the inner sanctum of Subtropic, and this man starts talking at me. Same guy from the message. And he had the Crazy Eye- two of them, in fact. I could pick up a sentence here and there, but they didn't seem to make any sense. Things about NASCAR, various members of the Senate, questions about the Vandenberg (which i didn't get a chance to answer), mind waves, and so on. All delivered with the cadence one finds in conversation with a crack addict.

He leapt around a bit too.

Like a demented ninja.

Starting to get a bit worried, as i was the only one in the shop, i edged out of the office and took up my post behind the counter. He continued making noises and muttering at me, whilst i nodded and pretended comprehension. Meanwhile, i brought up facebook on the computer, and was about to send an instant message to whoever was the first name to come up as being online (Jim) saying "Help help help! Please call me at the shop!" I figured if the phone rang, i could pretend to be busy and the Crazy would go away. (See, i'm too nice- i couldn't just say "I'm very busy and important. Bugger off.") However, possibly sensing my distress via some sort of telepathic bond, my darling Zach called the shop. True to my estimation, the crazy sort of did a Tigger bounce out the door and went upon his merry way. I showered Zach with adoration, after explaining the story to him.

Somewhere in this train of events, i managed to get the Crazy's name, figuring Doc would probably know him. He knows EVERYONE.

On a whim, after i got off the phone with Zach, i googled this individual- Joseph Pinder.

Behold:

I found this on a website called "keywestmugshots.com." Arrested for reckless driving, apparently. Probably because he was trying to swerve around all the heffalumps and woozles racing around the streets.

Naturally i had to call Zach back and tell him about this. He said i won the craziest-person-to-bug-me award for the day. So now we have a contest as to who gets pestered by the craziest Crazy. Let the games begin!

P.S. i've given up the bosom theme. Miau said it was tacky. And Miau is wise.

bats, psychics, and attention whores

I'm pretty sure my cat, Ninja, is psychic.

Why do I say this, you ask?

Well, Ninja has the amazing ability to position herself directly in front of my feet any time i'm trying to walk anywhere. I attempt to step around her, and as if by some form of black magic, there her fat ass is again, directly underfoot. How, kitty, how? And more importantly, why, kitty, why? Were i a cat, i would probably spend most of my time trying not to get stepped on. But, it seems that my little angel is a freak.

Which means she fits in with the rest of the beasts in my menagerie. Not sure if that's spelled right, actually. Anywho. My animals are pretty damn odd.

Let's see, we have Guinne, a "chiweenie" (dachsund/chiuahua purebreed mix) who has ears that flare from her head like bat wings. She will stare at you until you stare back, then she'll grumble at you. If you blow in her face, she sort of talks at you, as if to say "stop that, goddammit!" She's also prone to making amorous, wild, frantic puppy-love to a particular throw pillow. Never mind that a) she's a SHE, and b) she's spayed. But, who am i to judge if my dog occasionally just needs to get a piece of sweet, sweet pillow action?

And then we have The Miau. The Empress, The Queen, Matriarch of the Animal Household. The world's most perfect feline, if i do say so myself. However, she also is a bit of an oddball. If she decides that you aren't paying enough attention to her, she will lift her mighty paw and place it on your face, whilst mewing. I believe the mewing translates to "Ahem. You will shower me with adoration and accolades now. My grandeur should make it so i don't have to tell you to worship me, you mere human, but, you seem to be exceptionally stupid. Bow to me, then pet me." Also, one thing people notice pretty quick about my lovely one is that the very tip of her tail is sorta crooked. Because Miau chews on it. Fiercely. Don't believe me? Pick her up, cradle her so she's belly up, and watch her grab her tail and chow down. Awwww. Mommy's little weirdo.

Yes indeed. I'm surrounded by bizarre creatures. In fact, at this moment, Guinne is climbing on me. I glanced in her general direction, and she took that to mean "HA HA HA HA HA TIME TO PLAY TIME TO PLAY TIME TO PLAY WHEEEEEEEEE!" I'm pretty sure her head is full of gerbils and circus music. Ninja is running at full speed back and forth from the bathroom to the living room, and Miau is surveying the scene with a dignified air. I'm pretty sure she was Audrey Hepburn in a past life.

Except i don't know that Ms Hepburn ever compulsively chewed on a part of herself. Hmm.

:-)

PS Oh right the theme. The bosoms are comfortably residing in a sturdy white bit of VS, having finally forgiven me for going for a jog yesterday without a sports bra. My bad.

boing boing boing....

Salutions, faithful readers (all one of you...)
Let's start with something that's been irking me lately.
I don't think of myself as an agressive, uppity vegetarian. I don't preach the evils of meat to others, i'm not a Peta-nazi-vegan (though i do my best to buy free-range eggs and "cruelty-free" dairy), i don't throw paint on people in fur coats, and i have an extensive shoe collection, many of which, yes, are made of leather (though lately i've been seeking out more "faux leather" type shoes), and i don't mind dining with carinvores.
However, one thing that bugs me is the fact that people don't seem to count fish, crabs, lobster, and shrimp as meat. And, yes, up until about, oh i dunno, 6 months ago, i called myself a "half-assed-pseudo-vegetarian," as i still ate fish and whatnot. A few trips out to the reef watching the boys spearfish, however, made me decide that if i couldn't stomach watching something die, then there was no way in hell i could justify eating it. And i mean, fish should count as meat, right? It lives, it has internal organs and all that, so why isn't it meat? Yet all the time, when i tell people "i don't eat meat," they say "but you eat seafood, right?"
Or worse, "do you eat chicken?"
Um.
No.
I'm pretty sure those things that squawk and run all over the streets of Key West are animals, and therefore, meat. (Or they're one of the crazy locals who've listened to one too many Jimmy Buffett songs.) We went to a really nice restaurant with Ty, Luke, and Val last night (Brazalena) and when Ty mentioned to the server that i didn't eat meat, the server said "Ok well we have a lovely lobster tail, as well as all kinds of chicken and seafood dishes at the salad bar." I smiled and told him thanks, then promptly headed to the salad bar and feasted upon cheese and veggies. I pronounced it to be very tasty. And i didn't even mind the "gauchos" who kept coming around with like, 60 different kind of meats-on-spikes to shave off and feed to my carniverous friends (it's a very interesting place, this Brazalena).

Anyway, enough of that. Oh right, my "theme." My bosoms are happily and securely enthroned in one of my new Victoria's Secret bras, after spending half the day yesterday bouncing and boinging all over the place in a cute-but-poorly-supported O'Neill bikini top during a bumpy boat ride.

Crazy fun though! And personally, i don't mind a bumpy boat ride (aside from the bouncing, of course). We met up with Ty and Luke at the dive shop, and after my giant-bear-hug from Luke, loaded up the boat to head out to Cottrell Key. An interesting ride, considering Captain James and Ty couldn't agree on how to get out there, so we went around in a few circles. Didn't mind though- i'm just happy being out on the water. (i'm on a BOAT! i'm on a BOAT! Take a good hard look at the mothafuckin BOAT!- love that song.) Once we finally got there, Luke, Ty, and Jack jumped in to dive, and James and i hung out on the boat, smoked cigarettes, and drank beers. And had some interesting conversation about the aforementioned captain who's giving me and Jack the cold shoulder. Again, sorry, but can't air other people's dirty laundry. It was enlightening, to say the least, and made me care about the whole thing a lot less.
Good times indeed. Except when Ty accidentally stomped my new Cressi Piuma mask, which i'd only worn once. Oh bother. No worries, though. Not like i don't know where i can get another one!
After the boys got back on board, we headed over to the sub-pits. Jack and Ty jumped in and tried to asassinate some fish and explore what James calls the "underwater junkyard." For some reason, there are a lot of old cars in the water out there. I didn't bother jumping in- looked a bit too green for my taste, and submerged Ford Econolines don't really get me worked up. So, more beers and cigarettes with enjoyed with Luke and James.
Out of time on the boat rental, we headed back to the shop and hastily unloaded all our gear- only to discover that the "dry" area where we'd put my purse (containing mine and Jack's cell phones) turned out to be "not-quite-so-dry" after all. My phone survived, probably due to the tacky (apparently Jacks' word for "fabulous") pink-and-black zebra striped case; however, Jacks' got flooded. Which means he'll need to get a tacky case for his next phone, just to be safe..maybe one with sparkles and kittens...
Back home to de-salinize (ie, shower), make myself look la fierce, then we meandered over to Brazalena for dinner, as mentioned up above. Again, it's a pretty fantastic place, despite their confusion over what is meat and what isn't. Expensive, though. Not somewhere i'd go too often, but it was fun to see a table full of big boys feasting upon piles of meat. Like dinosaurs. Big, cuddly dinosaurs. Rawr!
I just wish Luke could visit longer! It seems to be my unfortunate curse that all the people i really like end up leaving Key West. Well, ok. A few of them left, anyway. Oh wait. I don't like that many people...

Anywho, today it's back to the madcap world of Subtropic, and it's neverending stream of intellectual stimulation and spontaneous adventure.

Sweet, sweet irony.

and for once, i wasn't the one who drank all the vodka!

My babies, who is this Lady Gaga character? I'm listening to this creature rattling off names of designers, and saying fun things like "you're only as good as the shoes you choose" or something like that. Hmm. I might like this Lady Gaga. I'll have to investigate her further (thank you, playlist.com).

So, as you can see by the fact that i'm sitting here typing instead of blowing bubbles, no diving today. Captain Steve was running a bit late, and Jack an i aren't that fond of late afternoon diving. And for some reason, i didn't really feel like going today, so i'm not bothered. Plus, the current is still screaming out there....

...Ooh! I'd forgotten about this song! (Haven't been on playlist.com in a while.) "All along the eastern shore... blah blah blah something something...something something la la la...doo dee doo electric eel...."

Anyway. I got my goodies from Victoria's Secret today! I did a happy dance in honour of the new bras, and then tried them all on in front of Miau. She liked them.

Huh.

I can't seem to post a blog without mentioning my bosoms. Maybe that's my theme! "What are Jesse's bosoms up to today?" Yes. I like it. I probably won't change the blog name just yet...doesn't matter anyway, cuz i'm pretty sure no one reads this except for me. Oh and the fabulous Miss Tricia from Key Dives said she liked it. So there's one.

Last night was jolly times! In addition to Kenny, Zach also graced us with his fabulous presence. And now I have two favourite people in Key West- Zach and Kenny. Besides Jack, of course. And Miau. But she's not a person, she's a cat...right...i forget sometimes....

Anywho, Kenny cooked up some fierce deliciousness (chicken for the boys, veggies for everyone, swimming in delicious herbs and what not) and i did my part my procuring adult beverages for all. We feasted mightily! And much chit chat ensued, as well as the inevitable "what's so-and-so doing? let's call him!" They didn't answer though. Who needs 'em though, cuz we were having lovely fun.

And then i stomped on the lid of Kenny's little charcol cooker and dented it.

Not on purpose! I just wasn't watching where i was walking and stomped it with my mighty foot. However, Zach also has feet-of-power, and used his to un-dent the thing. Teamwork!

I was giddy-chatty-tipsy, and probably talked Zach's ear off. He didn't seem too bothered though, because he is awesome.

Then we began wondering if Intern was at Bourbon St tonight. Not long ago, Zach made the delightful discovery that our new intern (straight, blonde haired blue eyed clean cut all american looking, works at Hard Rock Cafe, etc) is a go-go dancer at Bourbon St. Yes. He dances on the bar and guys stuff money down his man-panties. Great fun! So, we ventured forth, pumped full of vodka and beer (just beer for me, cuz i'm "behaving" or whatever it's called), in search of Intern.

Sadly, he was not there. We consoled ourselves by watching a bit of the drag show at 801- one of those girls was performing "Bring On the Men!" Fantastic. Went home after only a little while, as it was a quarter to drunk am. Ok more like 12:45am. Whatever. Same thing.

So, all in all, a fairly wholesome evening, i think.

It's nice hanging out with other fun people, instead of just sitting on the couch watching BBC America, which we've been doing way too much of lately. We're just exhausted when we get home from work though, and don't feel up to anything. It pretty much sucks. So i drink gallons of wine and re-read all of Jane Austen's novels. Healthy, yes?

Ok, i must make an effort to be more social from now on. Seems to be the best way to preserve my sanity. And do yoga. Yes. It is a plan, i have declared it shall be so.

Just as soon as i finish re-reading Mansfield Park

;-)

i love houseguests who bring me Italian noms

Hello my darlings.

Happy. After a typical haphazard 12 hour day of work, i'm looking forward to two whole days off. And, i get to go diving tomorrow! The magnificent Captain Steve Moore (www.keysmobilediving.com) called today and asked if Jack and i would like to go out on his fantastic little boat to go diving tomorrow! Whee!!! So excited. He took us out last week, and it was awesome. And he deemed me "Bow Candy!" I love having titles. Just hoping we don't have to deal with a 6 knot current like they had on the Vandenberg this morning. (For those poor, sad, deprived non-divers, a 6 knot current is similar to hurricane force winds, only in water. Not fun for diving.)

Today was hectic. I went for a couple hours with no phone calls, no walk-ins, then suddenly, eleventy-thousand people walked in the door, and the phone was ringing on both lines. This pattern repeated itself several times today. I was at the point where i was looking at the phone and thinking "What would happen if i just didn't answer?" Then i realized the answer to that query was "Subtropic might lose money," so of course i answered, as i am devoted to Dr Robin Lockwood (owner of Subtropic).

However, when i start to feel like being slightly-less-than-charming to customers, i recall a lovely post i read on both scubadiving.com and scubaboard.com, where a former customer praised not only our operation as a whole, but gave me a personal "you rock!" by saying how fabulous i am. Which i know to be true, of course, but it's nice to be reminded.

A curious question arose in my head at work today- why the deuce are there so many hangers lurking around Subtropic? We don't sell more than 20 items that require hangers! And, we haven't sold more than 5 of said items! I swear, everywhere i turn, hangers are everywhere! I think they multiply like bunnies when i'm not looking, then hold raging all-night hanger parties when we close the shop. That's the only real rational answer, no?

Well my lovelies, i must dash, as my two favourite boys just walked in the door (that would be Jack and Kenny) and Kenny has prepared us tasty Italian treats. I heart Kenny. Kenny is awesome. Kenny is glorious. It's not often that i get a former real life chef to cook me dinner and regale me with amusing anecdotes. (Kenny, if you ever happen to read this, it's official- as of right now, you ARE my FAVOURITE person in Key West right now, besides Jack of course. Don't leave, dammit!)

And now, FEAST!

Ciao amores

xo

am i a lesbian or just conceited?

Ahh. You know what's awesome? Not being hungover. I'm pretty sure it's my new favourite thing.
Feeling a bit sassier today, which might be because i'm wearing a fabulous Victoria's Secret bra. This happened purely because all my utility bras (you know, the beast ugly ones that you wear to work or when you're pretty sure no one's going to be watching you take your clothes off) are in a pile on the floor. Which I'm pretty sure means it's time to do laundry. Anywho, yes, fabulous bra. I totally just felt myself up and thought "Nice!"
Ok, enough about my bosoms.
I went to bed with a half-assed notion of either jogging or doing yoga this morning, but I decided that was a silly idea and sleep was much more necessary. One of these days though, I'll try to jump on this whole healthy-exercisey-sweaty bandwagon. They say it's good for you. Of course, they also say smoking is bad for you. Who is this "they" anyway?
Hmm. I grow weary of rambling now. Time to go eat something and have a cigarette.

je ne paux something something something

Well, i made it, but just barely.

I'm now safely ensconced at home, listening to Pink Martini. They're pretty much my new favourite band. This music makes me want to sit at a sidewalk cafe in Paris, smoking a cigarette, drinking a glass of wine, and wearing a beret. Fucking loves it.

Although i'm going bonkers cuz a couple of their songs sound REALLY familiar- like, soundtrack familiar. I googled them, and came up with nothing. Mystery.

Jack has gone off to have fun time with a buddy of ours. I opted out, as i feel like crappy crap. Nice though, now i can relax all by me onesie, read some more Mansfield Park, have some hair of the dog, and listen to this amazing music.

Was reading the fake Karl Lagerfeld blog earlier- magic! Loves it.

So. I'm going to have a cigarette, maybe a nip of something, read some good stuff, and jam out to this kickass mellow music. Yes, i am a wild and crazy guy.

nearing critical mass

Oh my god, i'm not going to make it.
Everything is getting on my nerves.
True to form, the second i sat down to eat the food i'd ordered, people started calling and wandering in and asking a million stupid questions.
I was also kinda hoping the owner wouldn't come in today- no luck there either. I love my boss- don't get me wrong. He's super awesome. But when i'm feeling like i'm feeling today, i don't have the energy to keep up with him.
Not going to make it. Going to explode. Not going to make it.
Ugh. Ok. Only 7 more hours to go.
Not going to make it...

post apocalyptic

Ugh.
Stupid vodka and orange juice.
i'm in somewhat of an angry/hungover/weird place today. I probably could have happily slept for a few more hours. Everytime the phone rings or someone walks in the door, i want to tell them to fuck off (unless it's the delivery guy from Sunny's Deli- i'm always happy to see him cuz he brings me noms).
The hungover/weird part is easy to figure out: vodka+not enough sleep= yucky. Ya think i'd have learned by now. It's bad when you don't exactly remember going to sleep. Sigh.
As far as the angry goes, that's a bit perplexing. Well, i have a suspicion what the root of the angry might be- stupid, pointless, irrational jealousy. I know it's retarded to get jealous of females i've never met, but that doesn't seem to stop me. (I can't go into more detail than that, as it's not entirely my dirty laundry to air. Complete honesty for me, discretion for everyone else seems the polite thing to do.)
I probably need to do more yoga. Haven't done any for a few days. It mellows me out and makes me more rational. And less prone to binges of all sorts. Yes. Yoga is the answer. I'll get right on that after i smoke a cigarette and wolf down an omlette.
I did engage in a bit of online-retail therapy: some goodies from Victoria's Secret should be arriving by the end of the week. Fun for the whole family!
Moving on. I've been told that i should probably have a theme for my blog, in order to make it more interesting to the reader. Ok. My theme is "whatever the hell i want to talk about cuz really, i'm doing this whole blog thing more for myself than for anyone else." Hmm. Maybe that's a bit too long. Actually, the theme thing isn't a bad idea, truth be told. Maybe my life should have a theme, come to think of it, instead of blundering aimlessly and comitting random acts of overindulgence. I'll give it a ponder and see if i can come up with an idea. In the meantime, i'll stick with rambling nonsensically.
And on that note, we cue the music.

and let the ramblings begin!

Ok well, it seems all the cool kids are doing this "blogging" thing. And by cool kids, i mean Karl Lagerfeld. (Even though it's just a fake blog, but still, it's awesome.).

So.

Well.

What do i have to say?

Well ok, first of all, i'd like to say that unlike my MySpace blog or Facebook notes, this will be completely honest and from my heart, instead of concerned of offending my "friends" and so on, as is the problem with those mainstream social networking sites.

So!

Well, to be perfectly honest, i'm a bit inebriated right now. Had a typical long day at work (my days start at 7:30am and end whenever the afternoon dive trip gets back, usually around 6pm). One thing i've noticed- i don't actually get a lunch break; i sort of eat whatever i can whenever i can. Ah, the joys of being a salaried employee. However, the world seems to plot against me: i can go three hours without a single phone call, without a single walk-in, but the second i either order or microwave myself some lunch, the phones start ringing off the hook, people wander in by droves, and et cetera. So much for my lunch. Same thing if i try to have a cigarette break.

I swear, i'm tempted to tamper with the door chime so that instead of saying "ding dong" whenever anyone walks in, it says "go away!" Hmm. The boss probably wouldn't like that...

Anywho. I promised honest opinions. So. Well, one of my captains has pretty much shut myself and my husband out cold ever since my husband was named "assistant manager." Drama! So silly. I'm the sort of person who just wants everyone to get along and be happy, so this crap is putting a serious drain on my chi scale. But, really....whatever. If you want to be pissy, that's your problem, not mine, right? Asi es la vida!

Aaaaanyway. i've been doing yoga a bit more seriously. I haven't done anything for the past few days, but, the days i do yoga, i feel much better. More accomplished (probably from forcing my lazy ass out of bed early), flexible, and content. More people should do yoga, really. The world would be a much happier place.

Soooo...right now. Well, i'm not the best role model right now. I'm chugging vodka and orange juice whilst reading Mansfield Park by Jane Austen, in my continued determination to figure out what the hell is the reason for this novel. I'm still working on my thesis that Fanny Price and Mary Crawford are both representations of Jane Austen....yes. I can tell you're intrigued. Stay tuned. Ciao!