yes, i do find this delicious.

My babies, i have returned to the land of festering humidity and wild chickens.

The trip started out with a four-hour long jaunt on the Keys Shuttle. Fortunately, the other occupants of said shuttle weren't too terribly chatty, thereby leaving me to stare out the window in peace. Not really big on vehicular chit chat.

Upon arrival at Ft Lauderdale International Airport, i wandered aimlessly, killing the three hours or so i had until my flight. I purchased a delightful salad consisting of various veggies and balls of mozzerella. The best part of this meal, however, was the Haitian girl who rang me up. She was uncharacteristically smiley and sweet (unlike your typical aiport employee). What struck me about her, however, was this: she said "You are vegetarian?" when she noticed my meat-free purchase, to which i replied "Yes, yes i am," then she responded by pointing at a piece of yellow squash in the salad and saying "Do you find this delicious?" I could only smile and respond in the affirmative. "Do you find this delicious?"- i LOVE it! So very proper.

The flights were harmless enough- well, except that on the flight from Memphis to LAX, i was sitting in front of a Gum Smacker. You know- one of those people who can't seem to close their mouth when they're chewing their gum, thereby sharing that charming, squishy "chomp chomp smack smack" noise with anyone in earshot. Oh and this dipshit was really going for the gold in the Most Annoying Flyer contest, because he kept kicking the back of my seat, despite my numerous attempts to glare at him in what i intended to be a stern fashion.

However, soon enough, the plane touched down on the cacophony of light and smog that

is Los Angeles, CA. My (skinny!) mom greeted me with much joy, we fetched my luggage without any trouble, and scampered off to Long Beach where she'd booked us a room at the Hyatt. Very nice.

Great view of Shoreline Village, with the Queen Mary waving and honking her foghorn at us in the distance. Naturally, we headed across the street to The Dubliner for a pint or two- where someone sitting next to us thought Mama was actually my sister. Yes. I have a hot Mama. And again, naturally, the night ended with a feast of obese proportions at the Shorehouse at midnight. One must keep up with the Long Beach tradition, after all.

We opted for an extra night in Long Beach, thereby giving us time to enjoy Belmont Village, Whole Foods (yes, the grocery store), and Shoreline Village. Delicious things were eaten, adorable things were purchased. Upon return to the Hyatt, wine was consumed, treats were devoured. All in all a lovely beginning to my trip, and i imagine a nice break for the Mama.

The next day, we drove up to the lovely and scenic Antelope Valley, out to Mama's house- which is about five miles north of Bumfuck, Egypt. Nice house, all around. Grama was out in the backyard, so i ran into my mom's room, put on a pair of her pj's, then stood at the sink with my back to the sliding glass door. Grama came in (i should add at this point- she had no clue i was coming to visit), and said "Well, Kell, did you drive up in your jammies?" and i turned around and smiled at her. She held her arms out, made a joyous noise, and expressed great delight and surprise, which is what we were going for. An awesome surprise all around.

The next week or so was spent in hanging out with family, getting to know Mama's fiancee Danny, drinking various things, eating a lot, and falling asleep reading those stupid (yet addictive) Twilight books. Tony and i took Grama out to the Aquarium and for lunch at Bubba's one day, which she loved. (Made even more awesome by the fact that my Kevin is now a manager at Bubba's, and gave me the employee discount!) One day, we went up to some horrid biker restaurant up in the hills somewhere, called The Rock Inn. The family loves it, for some reason. There was shopping, consumption of mass quantities of cheese and hard liquor, and chick flicks.

Then came time for me to pick up the rental car and head off!

I left in the wee hours of the morning (5am). Somewhere up north of Santa Clarita, i saw some odd orange lights on the hills on the side of the road. It took me a minute to realize that these were the remnants of the fires that ravaged California!

It was definitely weird seeing it up close, after following the story in the news. I headed up the 101, then veered off on the 1, as i preferred to take the scenic route. Then the 1 became the 101 again, and the 101 couldn't seem to decide if it was a freeway or not. I'm going to start a band and call it "101 Identity Crisis."

I hit Santa Barbara around 7am. I noticed traffic slowing down, and a sign on the side of the freeway that said "3 left lanes closed ahead." It took me a minute before i realized, "Um, wait, there are only 3 lanes. Oh dear." After sitting in standstill traffic for half an hour, i turned on the radio whilst veering off on the State St exit. Turns out that at 6 am, some moron got on the 101 North, and decided to go South. This crapfactory made it 7 miles going the wrong way until he/she caused a 6 car pileup, resulting in one fatality. Of course, the streets of Santa Barbara were just as bad off as the freeway, so i veered into a shopping mall parking lot, got a cup of coffee, and sat in the car and read for a bit. After another hour or so, i attempted to get back on the 101, and after a slight detour down Hollister Ave, managed to get back on the freeway and heading north.

I'll pass over the long drive- suffice to say, scenery was enjoyed in all its foggy splendour, gas was pumped, maps were consulted, coffee was consumed,- oh but i must talk about the World's Biggest Veggie Sandwich.

I pulled off in San Simeon at a little place called Sebastians.

As the day was surprisingly clear, you could see the Hearst Castle looming on the hill in the distance.

I ordered the scrumptious sounding Veggie Sandwich, and waited patiently for its creation.

Minutes later, i was handed this:

Oh and that's only half of it.

The best i could do as far as eating this thing went was to just kind of bury my face in it and chow down, of course whilst growling like a wolf.

After cleaning up the chaos resulting from the consumption of the Giant Sandwich, i continued on my merry way.

And, at the moment, my fingers are getting tired, plus i'm anxiously awaiting the arrival of Luke (yay!!!!), so i shall continue my saga tomorrow.

Sleep well, my gentle snowflakes.

Sunkist mist says "don't be late," that's why i can hardly wait.....

I just realized i've been sadly neglecting my wee bloggy. Mainly as i haven't had too much to discuss.

Oh, my Crazy has deserted me. How fickle. I can't help but suspect that Doc scared him off in some fashion. However, a few of my other Crazies have remained loyal. One even brought me a bundle of sage the other day. Goody! Now all i need is some wormswort and eye of newt and i can brew up a draught of anti-mosquito potion!

A bit of news: I'm heading off to the land of sunkist mist and the golden gate soon! Yes, on the 16th of this month, i shall be hurtling back to the land of my people! And yes, i'm going to feast mightily upon Del Taco.

This plan has undergone a few alterations. My original scheme was this: my darling Zach, pilot-on-leave for US Air, was going to get me some sort of "zed pass" discounted tickets from Miami to Crescent City, then from Crescent City back to Miami a week later. Then. I mentioned to the Mama that i was going to do a solo camping trip in an effort to reground and regroup. And, it turns out, this did not meet with parental approval. And yes, i suppose it would have royally sucked for me to be in Cali and not see the family. Especially considering that the Grama is poorly and will be needing surgery most likely. To my credit, however, i was unaware of the Matriarch's health problems. So. The plans were modified: darling Zach was going to get me this flight: MIA to CEC (crescent city), then CEC to LAX, then LAX to MIA. Got it? Right. Then. Turns out Zach can't get the "zed pass" tickets, as he's on leave or furlough or whatever it's called. Ok. Time for a new plan.

Fortunately, the new plan worked out much better. So, now, i'll be taking a shuttle up to Fort Lauderdale and flying out of there to LAX for about the same price i would have paid for the zed pass tickets. Sweet, sweet thrift! I'll spend five days or so with the family (mainly with Grama, really). Then, i'm going to rent a car, and drive up the coast to the redwoods!!!!!

Finally!!!!!! I get to do the solo-Cali-road-trip i've always wanted to do!!!!

I find it odd, mind you, that i never did the cali road trip, considering i freaking grew up there.

And, also oddly, i'm somewhat surprised that it took being away from California for roughly four years for me to appreciate my home state*.

(*Note: Yes, i was born in Washington state, which has given me a deep and undying love for the Pacific Northwest, and yes, i felt quite at home in Savannah, but at heart I am a California Girl.)

I don't know exactly why, but i find myself yearning for California. I also find that i tend to get along better with people from Cali. I suppose we really are a different breed, and yet i'd be hard-pressed to specifically identify how we're different.

And finally, and perhaps strangest of all- when i say i miss Cali, i don't miss the area i grew up. I miss Central and Northern California. LA can sink into the ocean for all i care (ok that's a fuggin lie- i have a love/hate relationship with LA) and Palmdale...well, let's not talk about Palmdale. Actually, it's not surprising that i miss the upper half of the state more- the fact that i was born in the Pacific Northwest probably means that love of nature and wide open spaces are in my genetic code somewhere.

Perhaps what i miss most is the freedom of living in California- the ability to dive for a couple of hours and end up either at the beach, in the mountains, or in the middle of a gay pride parade in West Hollywood. I mean, really, where else can you hop in your car and in a few hours either be standing on a beach watching sea lions sunbathe, or crossing the border into Mexico for a night of shenanigans! And let's not forget Disneyland. ;-)

Anyway. Enough ranting about California.

Let's see. What else is new and exciting...

Oh i've decided to get a Bachelor's in Marketing/Business via online colleges. I know, random, right? But i've got plans. And i'm keeping them to myself. So there.

(Ok i plan to open the world's most luxe brothel, and acheive my childhood dream of being a Madam).

The world of Subtropic is the same as it ever was. Brandon departs for merry olde England on Sunday; and so, Key West has lost another Good One. Anyone with any sensibility flees this godawful cesspool of alcoholism as soon as possible. We had a nice little going away party for him the other night. My new girlfriend Sandy came along, and amused us all with her charm and naivete. She also brought along a delicious spinach artichoke dip- in all honesty, probably the best such dip i have ever tasted. And my praise does not come lightly, as spinach artichoke dip is my favourite food. I think Miss Sandy is a strong candidate for my new BFF.

Zach is gone for almost a month, and i must say, i miss him a whole hell of a lot! He has such positive energy, and such a warm spirit. Jack misses him too. Zach is my big sweetie ray of sunshine, officially. I'll make him a badge that says so.

We have a new girl, Mimi, a friend of James that will be working in the shop. She seems cool. And it's nice to have another female around. My arms get tired from all the swimming i do in the sea of testosterone known as The Dive Industry.

The aforementioned Head Captain (also known amongst a select few as "Princess") remains as cold and distant as ever. I'm reminded of the words of the poet laureate of our time: "With so much drama in the LBC it's hard being Snoop D O double G."

On the retail side of news, one of my secret schemes may be coming to fruition: we may soon start carrying the full O'Neill clothing line. Which would fit in nicely with my plans. You know, the ones i'm keeping to myself. Ha ha.

Aaaaand now i'm done. My cat just threw up and i should probably go get some paper towels and take care of it. Ah, my life is a madcap rollercoaster of wild and boisterous mayhem!

Ciao, dahlins.

Aw, my first stalker!

It's official. The aforementioned Crazy is stalking me.
He's rambled into the shop three days in a row now.
I told Doc about the first visit, and sure enough, Doc knows the guy. Well, knows of him anyway. I guess the Crazy used to stalk Doc's girlfriends' daughter Tina, who lives down the street from Crazy. (Yeah, Crazy's dad used to apparently run Key West, so Crazy has a bigass inheritance. That's fair.)
Anywho, fortunately Doc was in the shop when Crazy came in yesterday. I was at the computer in the office, and when Crazy came in, Doc jumped up and blocked the doorway so Crazy couldn't get at me. It was kinda cute, lol. Then Doc and i started talking about something or other, pointedly ignoring Crazy until it went away. I heard Doc on the phone with his girlfriend, telling her about all this, and he said "Remember how this guy was fixated on Tina? Well, i think Jesse's his new fixation." Lucky, lucky me.
And, as i suspected, Crazy just came in again today. As i'm by myself in here, i pulled out my cell phone and dialed the shop number, so i could answer the phone and pretend to be busy, as that seems to be the easiest way to make Crazy go away. After it left, I called Doc and informed him of the sighting, and he agrees that something needs to be done about this.
So yeah, lovely day so far. Also, my eyes seem to be angry at me, as they refuse to stay focused if i look at anything for more than two seconds. (My mad typing skills are allowing me to type this whilst i'm periodically staring at different things around the room.) Silly eyes. Maybe i need to change my contacts or something.
Anywho. Today is the first day of our new teetotaling, money-saving lifestyle, in efforts to get healthier and save up towards getting the hell out of Key West. Whee!
(Arrrrg stupid eyes!!!!)
Oh one of my other demented fans strolled by the shop yesterday. This one isn't too bad- he's just kinda odd and talks about weird random metaphysical stuff at me while i'm trying to work. Fortunately, Doc was standing there and i was actually helping a real customer, so the guy just kinda waved at me thru the door, then kept looking up in the sky and giving me a thumbs up. Sarah was outside smoking, and apparently this dude told her it was very important that she give me the following message: "Never give up hope. They're coming around from the west!" Who are? Is he referring to a new gang of escapees from the mental asylum, coming to whisk me away to LoonyLand? Goody.
Only in Key West do they allow nut jobs to roam the streets. Nut jobs with lots of money, i should add.
Well i'd best go. If "They" are indeed coming around from the West, i should probably start knitting some straightjackets.
Lucky, lucky me.

crazy, like misery, seems to love company

Why oh why do the crazy ones seek me out?

They always find me. And talk to me. Or talk at me. Whichever.

And i'm too polite to tell them "I don't speak crazy. Move along and continue your search for leprechauns elsewhere."

Case in point:

A few days ago, a message of sorts was left on the shop voicemail. It consisted of some muttering, mumbling, various noises, and a random fully-formed word thrown in here and there. Needless to say, I did not return this call.

Then yesterday, whilst i was quietly sitting here doing absolutely nothing (Sunday is a quiet day in the shop) i hear the door go "ding dong" and before i can stand up to check who it is, someone lurches into the store and makes his way into the office. I stand up to block further entry into the inner sanctum of Subtropic, and this man starts talking at me. Same guy from the message. And he had the Crazy Eye- two of them, in fact. I could pick up a sentence here and there, but they didn't seem to make any sense. Things about NASCAR, various members of the Senate, questions about the Vandenberg (which i didn't get a chance to answer), mind waves, and so on. All delivered with the cadence one finds in conversation with a crack addict.

He leapt around a bit too.

Like a demented ninja.

Starting to get a bit worried, as i was the only one in the shop, i edged out of the office and took up my post behind the counter. He continued making noises and muttering at me, whilst i nodded and pretended comprehension. Meanwhile, i brought up facebook on the computer, and was about to send an instant message to whoever was the first name to come up as being online (Jim) saying "Help help help! Please call me at the shop!" I figured if the phone rang, i could pretend to be busy and the Crazy would go away. (See, i'm too nice- i couldn't just say "I'm very busy and important. Bugger off.") However, possibly sensing my distress via some sort of telepathic bond, my darling Zach called the shop. True to my estimation, the crazy sort of did a Tigger bounce out the door and went upon his merry way. I showered Zach with adoration, after explaining the story to him.

Somewhere in this train of events, i managed to get the Crazy's name, figuring Doc would probably know him. He knows EVERYONE.

On a whim, after i got off the phone with Zach, i googled this individual- Joseph Pinder.

Behold:

I found this on a website called "keywestmugshots.com." Arrested for reckless driving, apparently. Probably because he was trying to swerve around all the heffalumps and woozles racing around the streets.

Naturally i had to call Zach back and tell him about this. He said i won the craziest-person-to-bug-me award for the day. So now we have a contest as to who gets pestered by the craziest Crazy. Let the games begin!

P.S. i've given up the bosom theme. Miau said it was tacky. And Miau is wise.

bats, psychics, and attention whores

I'm pretty sure my cat, Ninja, is psychic.

Why do I say this, you ask?

Well, Ninja has the amazing ability to position herself directly in front of my feet any time i'm trying to walk anywhere. I attempt to step around her, and as if by some form of black magic, there her fat ass is again, directly underfoot. How, kitty, how? And more importantly, why, kitty, why? Were i a cat, i would probably spend most of my time trying not to get stepped on. But, it seems that my little angel is a freak.

Which means she fits in with the rest of the beasts in my menagerie. Not sure if that's spelled right, actually. Anywho. My animals are pretty damn odd.

Let's see, we have Guinne, a "chiweenie" (dachsund/chiuahua purebreed mix) who has ears that flare from her head like bat wings. She will stare at you until you stare back, then she'll grumble at you. If you blow in her face, she sort of talks at you, as if to say "stop that, goddammit!" She's also prone to making amorous, wild, frantic puppy-love to a particular throw pillow. Never mind that a) she's a SHE, and b) she's spayed. But, who am i to judge if my dog occasionally just needs to get a piece of sweet, sweet pillow action?

And then we have The Miau. The Empress, The Queen, Matriarch of the Animal Household. The world's most perfect feline, if i do say so myself. However, she also is a bit of an oddball. If she decides that you aren't paying enough attention to her, she will lift her mighty paw and place it on your face, whilst mewing. I believe the mewing translates to "Ahem. You will shower me with adoration and accolades now. My grandeur should make it so i don't have to tell you to worship me, you mere human, but, you seem to be exceptionally stupid. Bow to me, then pet me." Also, one thing people notice pretty quick about my lovely one is that the very tip of her tail is sorta crooked. Because Miau chews on it. Fiercely. Don't believe me? Pick her up, cradle her so she's belly up, and watch her grab her tail and chow down. Awwww. Mommy's little weirdo.

Yes indeed. I'm surrounded by bizarre creatures. In fact, at this moment, Guinne is climbing on me. I glanced in her general direction, and she took that to mean "HA HA HA HA HA TIME TO PLAY TIME TO PLAY TIME TO PLAY WHEEEEEEEEE!" I'm pretty sure her head is full of gerbils and circus music. Ninja is running at full speed back and forth from the bathroom to the living room, and Miau is surveying the scene with a dignified air. I'm pretty sure she was Audrey Hepburn in a past life.

Except i don't know that Ms Hepburn ever compulsively chewed on a part of herself. Hmm.

:-)

PS Oh right the theme. The bosoms are comfortably residing in a sturdy white bit of VS, having finally forgiven me for going for a jog yesterday without a sports bra. My bad.